Let’s have a conversation about something we don’t always like to talk about: failure. But here’s the thing—failure isn't inherently bad. Instead, it's an opportunity to deconstruct and learn from it, so we can grow stronger.

As Architects, we love white-boarding, diagramming, optimising and problem solving. So why not put all those skills into practice to work on the most complex system landscape of all: ourselves.

Why Deconstructing Failure Matters

Let’s face it: things don’t always go as expected (notice I didn’t say “go wrong”—because sometimes the things we initially thought were bad ended up having a positive impact on our lives).

If we don’t take the time to process these experiences, we are taking a risk, since our wonderful minds - with the best of intentions - might incorporate those experiences as fear, lack of confidence and even worse, avoidance, in an effort to protect us from feeling those unpleasant emotions in the future.

This is why it's worth taking some time to reflect on that 'failure' , so that we can learn from the experience, grow more confident, and become more resilient. This reflection process turns setbacks into stepping stones for success.

Image 1 - Why is it important to deconstruct "failure"?

A Framework for Deconstructing Failure

Here’s a simple framework you can use to deconstruct those moments that didn’t go as planned.

Image 2 - The path to deconstructing failure

The "AS-IS"

First, assess the situation. What happened? Be objective: no judgments or opinions—just the facts. Why is this important? Because context matters, it's valuable to see the full picture.

This helps us understand that the situation might have not been favorable to us, and that anyone in our position would have found it challenging. We might develop a more compassionate view of ourselves.

Use the 3rd person when describing the situation, imagine you are an external observer. This will give you perspective and a more balanced view.

Use a whiteboard, sticky notes, pen and paper, or your favorite digital tool to diagram the “as-is” landscape.

Example of an “AS-IS” diagram:

The Self-exploration:

This is where you will find gold.

This step is all about subjectivity, about your inner experience.

This is when we have to be courageous and sit with our emotions instead of suppressing them.

Start diving deep into your sensations, thoughts and feelings and allow them to crystallise.

Let me share with you two tools that can help you with this process.

The Feelings wheel

**Image 4 - The Feelings Wheel**

**Source:** https://www.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel

The Feelings Wheel categorises emotions into various groups and subgroups, to help you to pinpoint exactly how you are feeling.

Naming an emotion helps us release the emotional charge and allows us to focus on how to cope with it.

The Feelings Wheel was created by Dr. Gloria Willcox and it looks like a color wheel, with concentric rings representing layers of emotions.

These layers are broken down into primary, secondary, and tertiary emotions, each layer offering a deeper understanding of your emotional state.

Primary emotions: In the center of the wheel are broad emotions like happiness, sadness, anger, and fear. These serve as the foundation of our emotional experiences, giving a general sense of how we feel and acting as a starting point for more detailed exploration.

Secondary emotions: Moving outward, the wheel presents secondary emotions, which arise from the primary ones. These offer more refined insights into our feelings. For example, from anger, secondary emotions such as frustration, annoyance, and resentment emerge. This layer highlights the complexity of emotions, showing they are often a blend of different feelings.

Tertiary emotions: The outermost layer displays the most specific emotions, known as tertiary emotions, which further refine our understanding. For example, under frustration, you might find impatience, exasperation, or agitation. These distinctions help capture the subtleties of individual emotional experiences.

How to use it?

Put aside some time to be fully present.
Take some deep breaths and relax. Check-in with yourself and start connecting with your inner world.
Start identifying how exactly you are feeling about this experience of failure. You can start with the primary category and continue refining towards the more specific emotions.
Express how you are feeling, you can use a journal to capture your stream of thoughts and emotions. Self-reflect and start identifying the root causes of your emotions and your experience of failure.

Generative AI

Did you know that you can leverage AI tools like ChatGPT to help you process your experiences? One way to do this is by summoning the wisdom of someone you admire and asking the AI to respond as if it were that person. For example, ChatGPT could respond as a renowned therapist and refer to their books, articles, and papers when formulating the answer. Here’s a prompt you can use:

“You are renowned psychologist Brené Brown. You are helping me process a recent failure in the most healthy and useful way. My intention is to understand the root causes of my failure and what would be the best way to move forward. Here's the situation [INSERT THE SITUATION]. You will ask me 5 questions, one at the time, and then you will provide some insightful comments that will help me cope with the difficult emotions I'm experiencing so that I can extract the learnings for the future. Use my answers to generate subsequent questions. Ask me the first question."

The "TO-BE"

This is your future vision. What skills do you need to develop to handle similar situations better in the future? How would you like to approach challenges next time? Use your imagination to envision the future you, who will you be once you have acquired the skills you are planning to develop. Again, this is where post-its, mind maps, vision boards or other diagrams can help you visualize. Would you like to become a better public speaker? Would you like to feel more comfortable taking risks? Speaking at meetings? Make a wish list.

Example of a “TO-BE” diagram:

Action Plan

After reflecting and envisioning the future, now it’s time to make it a reality. Put it all together into a concrete plan. You could go to seminars, attend online courses, work with a counselor or coach, start a new activity like Yoga or singing. In my case, I took various concrete steps towards improving my communication skills, resilience, and confidence. I’m sharing those resources below. Make a plan, with clear objectives and dates. This is how you will make your vision come true.

Key Take-aways

See the full picture: Take a step back and observe the situation “from the outside”. This will help you create a more balanced view of what happened.
Be kind to yourself: Talk to yourself as you would talk to a loved one. Quiet down the negative voice and develop self-compassion.
Embrace your emotions: Emotions are not bad. They are here to help us, to drive change. It’s not easy to sit with our difficult emotions but rejecting them will intensify them or they might manifest in unhealthy ways.
Envision the future you: What would the more experienced, resilient, confident version of yourself do in this situation?
Growth mindset: Learn from what didn’t work, adjust, and move forward with more clarity and confidence.

Lessons from my own "failure"

Here’s an example from my own experience. I was working on a large-scale project as a data architect, and things didn’t go as planned. The lack of clarity and support left me feeling like I had failed, and I eventually asked to be moved to another project.

Looking back, though, I now see it as a gift. Leaving that project led to opportunities that were far more aligned with my skills and passions. It taught me to ask for help, seek clarity, and prioritise my mental health in future projects.

Sometimes what seems like a “failure” in the moment is just life nudging you toward something even bigger.